October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and a time to shine a light on dark truths that stay hidden in the shadows.

So I'm starting out the month by focusing on the reality of trauma bonds:  a painful, confusing, psychological and physiological response that keeps so many survivors feeling stuck in cycles of abuse long after they wanted to leave.

If you’ve ever asked yourself,

• “Why do I feel so attached to someone who hurts me?”
• “Why is it so hard to walk away even when I know the relationship is toxic?"
• "Why do I always go back, even after all of the abuse that's already happened?"

You're not alone. This post is for you.

What Is a Trauma Bond?

A  trauma bond is a powerful attachment that a survivor forms with their abuser, usually rooted in a cycle of harm followed by intermittent kindness, apologies, or moments of connection.

It’s not “love” in the healthy sense, but it feels just as strong; sometimes even stronger.

At its core, trauma bonding is a survival response.

When someone alternates between harming you and offering comfort or affection, your nervous system learns to cling to the good moments to survive the bad.

Over time, this creates a loop of dependency and attachment that’s incredibly difficult to break.

What It Feels Like

Trauma bonds don’t always look the same, but survivors have described some common experiences:

• Confusion. One moment you feel devastated by their cruelty, the next you feel hopeful because of their tenderness.
• Self-blame. You may wonder if you’re the problem, if only you could do something differently, maybe things would change.
• Longing. Even after horrific experiences, you might find yourself missing them, craving their attention or affection.
• Fear of leaving. The idea of being without them can feel terrifying, like you’re losing part of yourself, your safety net, or your identity.
• Shame. You might judge yourself harshly for staying, even though staying is a very human response to complex manipulation.

If this any of this sounds familiar, please know: there's nothing “wrong” with you for feeling this way.

• Trauma bonds aren't a reflection of your weakness, they’re a reflection of the way human beings are wired to seek connection, even in unsafe places.

It Can Happen In Any Relationship

Yeah, it can.

Trauma bonding isn’t limited to romantic partners, it can also happen in friendships, family dynamics, or even professional settings. Anywhere there’s a cycle of harm mixed with moments of care or kindness, a trauma bond can form.

For example, a parent  who alternates between neglect and affection, or a friend who belittles you but occasionally builds you up, can create the same confusing attachment pattern.

Recognizing that trauma bonds can exist in non-romantic relationships helps many survivors put words to painful connections they’ve struggled to understand.

No matter where it shows up...

The bond is a survival response, not a reflection of your worth.

Naming it for what it is can be the first step toward reclaiming your freedom.

Complexities of Trauma Bonding

• Cycle of Abuse: The relationship often involves a pattern where the abuser alternates between affection and aggression, leading the victim to feel confused and strongly connected to the abuser.
• Intense Emotions: The emotional highs and lows can create a sense of dependency, making it difficult for a survivor to leave the relationship, even if it’s harmful.
• Shared Trauma: Experiencing trauma together can further deepen the bond, as both people might feel a strong sense of connection through their shared experiences, even if those experiences are negative.

A trauma bond can make it challenging for someone to break free from a toxic relationship because of the complex nature of the emotions involved.

Experiencing a trauma bond evokes a whirlwind of conflicting emotions that leave survivors feeling deeply confused, trapped, and alone. 

Original video Ah! My Goddess: The Movie

Why It's So Hard to Break

Breaking a trauma bond isn’t just about “deciding to leave.” If it were that simple, far more survivors would already be free.

What makes trauma bonds so strong is the mix of:

• Intermittent reinforcement. The “good” moments keep you hooked, like a gambler waiting for the next win.
• Fear and control. Abusers often use threats, isolation, or financial dependence to trap survivors.
• Identity entanglement. Over time, it feels like your life and theirs are so intertwined that separation seems impossible.
• Physiological impact. The stress hormones and survival states your body cycles through can mimic addiction, making the attachment feel chemical, not just emotional.

Related Post: How Abuse Affects Your Mental and Physical Health

More Than Just a Choice

When we understand that trauma bonds aren't just about “choices,” but about deep psychological and physiological responses, survivors can start to reframe their feelings with more compassion.

• These bonds don’t happen because you’re weak, they happen because your body and mind are trying to keep you safe in the midst of chaos.

Here are some gentle insights to keep in mind:

• Psychological survival: The brain adapts to inconsistency by clinging to moments of safety. This isn’t weakness, it’s resilience under pressure.
• Biological reaction: Cycles of harm and relief trigger hormonal surges that create anxiety, longing, and dependence. Your body is reacting to trauma, not betraying you.
• Isolation: Abusers often cut survivors off from support, fueling self-blame. Recognizing this as a tactic, not a personal failure, restores perspective and strength.



Breaking Free

Loosening the hold of a trauma bond is one of the most challenging steps in the healing journey, but it is possible. Here are some gentle guidelines and insights to help survivors begin to reclaim their lives:

Self-Compassion and Understanding

• Allow yourself to feel the mix of emotions; confusion, sadness, anger. Grieve the love you thought you had.
• Journal your experiences to process and gain clarity, without judgment.

Establish Healthy Boundaries

• If possible, create physical distance to reduce the emotional charge.
• When interaction is unavoidable, set firm boundaries to protect your well-being.

Build Support Networks

• Reach out to trusted friends or groups who understand. Shared perspective breaks isolation.
• Consider therapy to navigate the complexities of trauma bonding with professional support.

Underground Moves supports and empowers survivors to break free.

Grace & Compassion

Breaking free from a trauma bond is an incredibly difficult and painful experience. It's similar to the body and mind going through withdrawal symptoms from addiction. That's why it's so important to nourish yourself deeply during this time:

Mindfulness & Self-Care

• Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness techniques like meditation or breathing exercises to ground yourself and reduce anxiety. Being present in the moment can help you dissociate from the emotional triggers linked to the bond.

• Gentle Movement: Incorporate some form of gentle exercise, like yoga or walking. Movement helps release pent-up energy and trauma stored in the body, promoting healing and well-being.

Related Post: The Healing Power of the Psoas Muscle

Rebuild Your Identity

• Rediscover Interests: Reconnect with hobbies or activities that bring you joy. Engaging in pursuits you love helps reaffirm your identity beyond the trauma bond, reminding you of your individuality.

• Cultivate Self-Love: Practice affirmations or create a list of your strengths and positive qualities. Acknowledging your worth can bolster self-esteem and reinforce the belief that you deserve a healthier form of love.

Related Post: Embracing Your Soft Era: Finding Safety in Gentleness

Patience In Your Journey

• Be Patient with Yourself: Remember that healing is not linear; it’s a gradual process. Allow yourself to take small steps, celebrating even minor victories along the way. Each step forward, no matter how tiny, is a testament to your strength.

• Recognize the Difficulty: Understand that detaching from a trauma bond is one of the hardest parts of leaving abuse. Acknowledge the courage it takes to start this journey, and remind yourself that healing is within your reach.

Hope exists in the possibility of a healthier, happier future. By taking these gentle steps, you can begin to loosen the grip of a trauma bond and move towards a life that honors your true self.

You're Not Alone

Breaking free from a trauma bond takes time, courage, and an ocean of self-compassion. If you’re in the middle of it, please know:

You are not broken for feeling torn. You are human.

You're not alone in this struggle, and healing is a journey worthy of your strength and resilience.

With awareness, support, and patience, the threads of a trauma bond can unravel. And as they do, what grows in its place is something stronger: your own sense of dignity, agency, and peace.

This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, let's remember that leaving isn’t just about walking out the door. It’s about healing the invisible chains that keep us tied, even long after the abuse ends.

If you’re on this journey, I honor your courage. If you’re still in the bond, I honor your survival.

Wherever you are, know this: freedom and healing are possible.

And when you’re ready, softness, strength, and new beginnings are waiting for you.

Offering strength and support,

Gretchen

SOMATIC TRAUMA SPECIALIST + ENERGETIC INTUITIVE

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