Every October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month asks us to look at the uncomfortable dynamics of abuse.

One persistent and painful truth is that:

Survivors are still not believed.

Even now, after years of public movements, education, and advocacy, survivors who come forward find themselves standing trial in the court of public opinion  where they're:

• doubted
• dissected
• and judged
  

Against impossible standards of what a “perfect victim” should look like.

The Myth of the Perfect Victim

We’re conditioned to believe that a “real” survivor is pure, calm, articulate, and grateful. She leaves right away. She has no complicated feelings, no history of mistakes, no love or attachment to her abuser.

But real life doesn’t work that way...

Real survivors are messy.

They cry, freeze, get angry, go back, stay silent, and try to survive in whatever way they can.

• They might post smiling photos online while hiding the abuse, or defend their abuser because they still hope for change.

They might take years (even decades) to come forward because trauma steals time, clarity, and safety.

But the world still expects perfection.

And when perfection doesn’t appear, belief vanishes too.

When Survivors Speak, the World Puts Them on Trial

Think about the women who’ve come forward in high-profile cases...

From the Jeffrey Epstein & Ghislaine Maxwell survivors to Gisèle Pelicot, who recently won a landmark abuse case in France after years of being dismissed.

These women weren’t just fighting their abusers.

They were fighting systems designed to silence them; systems steeped in patriarchy, privilege, and the cultural conditioning that tells us women are:

• exaggerating
• vindictive
• or “trying to ruin a man’s life.”

And while society questions, “Why did she wait so long?” or “Why didn’t she just leave?,” almost no one asks:

• “What did she have to survive just to make it here?”

The courage it takes to come forward is enormous.

By the time a survivor speaks publicly, she’s already endured the unthinkable. Not being believed can hurt as much as the abuse itself.

Not Allowed to Show Anger

There’s a quiet double standard in how survivors are expected to behave.

• If they cry, they’re dramatic.
• If they stay calm, they’re cold and calculating.
• If they show anger, they’re bitter or vengeful

• As if fury isn’t the most natural response to being violated or harmed?!

But anger is an indicator of something deeper.

• It’s not about revenge; it’s about truth.
• It’s the body’s way of saying, “This was not okay.”
• It’s how a survivor reclaims her voice after years of being silenced.

When we dismiss a survivor's anger, we’re not just invalidating her feelings, we’re reinforcing the very systems that kept her quiet in the first place.

Belief Matters

It isn't acting on blind faith to believe survivors, it’s about restoring balance.

It’s about acknowledging how power, gender, money, and fear intersect to make speaking out so difficult.

Every time we doubt, question, or diminish, we reinforce the silence.

• Every time we believe a survivor, we shift that balance.

We make it safer for others to come forward.

Belief doesn’t mean we stop asking questions, it means we start asking better ones, like:

• What happened?
• What support do you need?
• How can we hold space for your truth without judgment?

A Survivor’s Perspective

For those of us who've lived it, the disbelief was its own kind of violence.

It wasn’t just the overwhelming mistreatment that hurt, it was the way people looked away, or worse, looked through us.

It was hearing, “But he seems so nice.”

It was the sting of realizing that the people we thought would protect us were more comfortable protecting an illusion.

• Speaking out is almost never about vengeance, it’s about validation.

It’s about survivors reclaiming the story that was taken from them, word by word, breath by breath.

Survivors don’t come forward because they’re angry.

They come forward because they’re done being silent.

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