Co-Parenting with a Narcissist? Why Parallel Parenting May Be Your Lifeline
"The most dangerous people I've ever met genuinely believe they're good. They rewrite every story, dodge every consequence, and carry zero accountability. In their minds, they've never hurt anyone, but somehow, everyone else is always to blame. That kind of delusion isn't just toxic, it's terrifying."
— Zendra-Lee Williams
There’s a certain kind of person who can’t be reasoned with—not because they’re angry or aggressive, but because they are absolutely convinced of their own goodness.
And when you're co-parenting with someone like that, every conversation feels like you’re swimming upstream through gaslighting and manipulation.
They tell themselves their a good parent. That they're just being “reasonable.” That they know better than you, the therapists, teachers, and even the children themselves.
They tells themselves that their passive-aggressive jabs are clever truths, not weapons. That their refusal to accommodate support services are “justified,” not damaging.
And they call it co-parenting.
But what it really is… is obstruction.
- You try to talk about your child’s therapist. They bring up sage and your mental health.
- You mention progress in school. They name-drop a former teacher who harmed your child and then act like that opinion is what matters.
- You ask them to help with logistics for your child's therapy appointment. They make it your problem, again.
And yet—in their mind, they're the reasonable one.
These people rewrite reality like it’s fiction. In their version, they’re always the misunderstood victim or the benevolent hero. They speak in deflections, smirks, and one-liners, designed to get under your skin while maintaining plausible deniability.
And what makes it so terrifying is that: they believe their own story.
They truly think they’ve never done harm. And so they dodge every consequence. They refuse every opportunity for growth. They weaponize your emotions and then mock you for having them.
They don’t co-parent. They co-control.
How Parallel Parenting Saved My Sanity
After years of trying to reason with someone who wasn’t interested in reason—just control—I finally stopped trying to “co-parent” in the traditional sense. What saved me wasn’t communication. It wasn’t cooperation. It was parallel parenting.
Parallel parenting is a structured parenting model that minimizes direct contact with a high-conflict parent. It prioritizes boundaries over communication and decision-making clarity over consensus.
In my case, the court granted me primary custody and sole decision-making rights, which allowed me to protect my children from constant sabotage, second-guessing, and gaslighting.
- I no longer had to beg for basic cooperation.
- I didn’t need his approval to schedule therapy.
- I could act in my children’s best interest—without walking on eggshells.
It didn’t make things perfect. But it made them possible.
What ChatGPT Had To Say
Before creating this post, I decided to test my ability to parallel parent effectively and discern if it was even necessary in my situation to utilize parallel parenting strategies instead of taking a more traditional co-parenting approach.
I was able to use one of the parenting apps (listed below) to simply create PDF files of our conversations and directly upload them to ChatGPT.
So, I shared the two most recent text conversations (word-for-word) that I had with my co-parent to see how it went, and this is what ChatGPT had to say in response:
Note: I won't be sharing the details of the conversations, but ChatGPT gives enough context in the responses.
If you're not sure that you're dealing with a high conflict parent and if implementing parallel parenting is right for you, share your conversations (word-for-word) with ChatGPT and see what it has to say to you.
If it suggests that you're in an abusive co-parenting relationship, then you might be a good candidate for utilizing parallel parenting strategies.
If You're Not There Yet—You're Not Powerless
I know many parents are still stuck in court orders that demand cooperation with someone who thrives on conflict. If that’s where you are right now, here are a few steps that might help:
- Document everything. Keep records of every hostile message, refusal, and moment of sabotage. Judges need patterns, not isolated events.
- Lean on professionals. Teachers, therapists, counselors—when they witness the conflict, their reports matter. Ask them to document their interactions and recommendations.
- Use a parenting app. Tools like AppClose, OurFamilyWizard, or TalkingParents keep communication in one place—and often admissible in court.
- Work with a family lawyer who understands narcissistic abuse. Not all legal professionals get it. Make sure yours does.
- File to modify your custody arrangement. If cooperation is doing more harm than good, you can petition for parallel parenting, limited communication, or sole decision-making authority.
This process isn’t fast, and it isn’t easy—but your children are worth fighting for. And you are worth protecting, too.
Parallel parenting didn’t just protect my children—
it gave me my peace back.
If you’re in the thick of the storm, please know: you’re not crazy for feeling exhausted. You’re not imagining the chaos. And you don’t have to keep sacrificing your sanity to accomodate someone who thrives on conflict.
You are allowed to step back. You are allowed to protect yourself and your kids.
And you are allowed to stop trying to co-parent with someone who never actually showed up to parent in the first place.
Wishing you strength and discernment,
Gretchen
SOMATIC TRAUMA SPECIALIST + ENERGETIC INTUITIVE
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