Emotional Intelligence Required: Why Some Conversations Aren’t Worth Having

Gretchen Wood Lakshmi • September 21, 2025

Some conversations just aren’t worth having.

That might sound harsh at first, but if you’ve ever tried to talk through something important with someone who lacks emotional intelligence, you already know what I'm talking about.

Meaningful conversations require emotional maturity from both sides. Without it, you’re not actually having a discussion, you’re just running into a wall.

Emotional intelligence is the quiet skill that makes hard conversations possible. It’s what allows people to:

hear feedback without shutting down.
sit with discomfort without lashing out.
hold space for another person’s truth without feeling personally attacked.

Without emotional intelligence, even the simplest truth can trigger → defensiveness, denial, or rage.

But without emotional intelligence on the other side, it never will.

This isn’t about “giving up” or avoiding growth. It’s about protecting your energy.

Real conversations, the kind that spark healing, understanding, and even change, can only happen with people who are mature enough to show up for them.

Why Facts Alone Don’t Work

Facts don’t exist in a vacuum. They land in the messy, complex inner environments of our emotions, our histories, and our identities.

When someone hears a truth that threatens their sense of safety or belonging, the instinct isn’t to pause and reflect.

It’s to protect, defend, or fight back.

That's why “just presenting the evidence” usually backfires. A fact offered without emotional safety can feel like an attack.

Emotional intelligence is what lets someone sit with discomfort long enough to consider a point of view outside of their own. Without it, no amount of data can shift a heart.

The Deeper “Why” Behind Resistance

When difficult conversations fail, it isn't always just because the other person's stubborn or malicious. Most of the time, there are hidden dynamics at play:

Identity and belonging: Beliefs aren’t just ideas; they’re ties to family, friends, and community. To question a belief can feel like risking connection, even love.
Shame and pride: Admitting “I was wrong” can feel humiliating, so doubling down feels safer.
Echo chambers: So many people live in environments that constantly reinforce their worldview, making anything outside of it feel like an attack.

None of this excuses harmful behavior. But it does explain why conversations so often collapse, even with well-meaning people.

Emotional Intelligence Is Really...

Emotional Intelligence is made up of:

Self-awareness: knowing our own emotional patterns
Self-regulation: not letting emotions take the wheel
Empathy: caring about another person’s perspective
Accountability: owning mistakes and making amends
Social awareness: understanding how our behavior affects the dynamic

When these skills are missing, conversations aren’t conversations, they’re full-on collisions.

Conversations Collapse Without It

For plenty of people, receiving feedback feels like being attacked. Hearing the truth feels like a threat. Even gentle honesty gets twisted into criticism.

And the hard truth is if someone can't sit with discomfort, they can't grow. Growth requires discomfort. But defensiveness blocks the doorway. It keeps people stuck in the same cycle, unable to look inward and take responsibility.

It's why so many “difficult conversations” go nowhere. You’re not talking to someone who lacks intelligence, you’re talking to someone who lacks emotional intelligence.

Survivors know this dynamic all too well.

For survivors of abuse, this pattern is painfully familiar.

Abusers will:

Twist feedback into blame.
Explode at the smallest hint of accountability.
Use denial or gaslighting to shut down truth before it lands.

Survivors end up silenced, questioning themselves, or even apologizing for daring to speak up.

Fruitless Online Debates

We also see this dynamic go way beyond abusive relationships... Just look around at public discourse today.

Everywhere, important conversations dissolve into chaos, not because the topics don’t matter, but because so many people lack the maturity to hold discomfort without lashing out.

Just because you choose not to engage in those situations doesn't mean you're weak. It’s a sign of wisdom.

Save your energy for the spaces where your voice can actually be heard and respected.

EQ's the Price of Admission

Emotional intelligence is the price of admission to real dialogue. Without it, the conversation is doomed before it starts.

You're not responsible for dragging someone toward maturity. You're responsible for your own well-being, your energy, and your truth.

So when you find yourself pouring energy into someone who can't (or won't) listen, remind yourself: This is not a reflection of my worth or my effort. This is about their readiness.

Save your voice for the people who can hear it.
Save your truths for the ones who have the capacity to hold them.
Save your energy for the conversations that lead somewhere, not the ones that go in circles.

We all want to believe that hard conversations about truth, justice, or even personal boundaries can be solved by simply presenting the “right” facts. But if you’ve ever tried sharing a perspective with someone who immediately shut down, got defensive, or turned hostile, you know how painful and discouraging that can feel.

So, remember that your healing, your growth, your voice deserve to be received with emotional maturity.

Your Choice: Engage or Not

You don’t owe your energy to conversations that go nowhere. If someone consistently refuses to listen, or if every attempt leaves you drained and invalidated, it’s okay and healthy to walk away.

At the same time, there are conversations that may be worth having. Seeds can be planted where trust exists, where curiosity hasn’t been completely shut down, and where there’s at least a small willingness to listen.

Only you can discern whether the soil is fertile enough for those seeds to take root.

You're not responsible for fixing everyone. What you are responsible for is protecting your own energy and choosing wisely where to invest your voice. Emotional intelligence is indeed the price of admission for difficult conversations, and when it’s missing, it’s okay to set a boundary.

So, take a breath.

Remember that you don’t need to prove yourself in every exchange, or convince people who aren’t ready to listen. Save your voice for the spaces where it can be heard, nurtured, and valued.

Healing, both personal and collective, grows when truth is carried with compassion and discernment. And while not every conversation will bloom, your voice, your energy, and your presence still matter deeply in the places that are ready to receive them.

Wishing you peace and understanding,

Gretchen