The Bait They Cast and Resisting the Urge to Bite
Maybe you've stood there before, heart raw, voice shaking, whispering, “Why are you being so mean to me?!” and getting nothing but a smug, undeserved smirk.
Not shame. Not regret.
Just cruelty and ruthless power.
Welcome to a common abuse tactic called, baiting.
What Is Baiting?
Baiting (often called reactive abuse) is emotional warfare.
It’s when someone deliberately provokes, humiliates, or goads you, not to problem-solve, but to trap you into an explosive moment they can point to later: “See? Look how crazy you are.”
It’s calculated. It’s designed to twist your compassion into self-defense, and then twist your defense into evidence.
Common Baiting Tactics
- “Just joking” insults and backhanded comments
- Picking fights before big moments
- Love-bombing, followed by icing-out
- Whisper campaigns behind your back
- Playing the victim when you pull away
Each tactic is a lure. The goal: to make you look unhinged, while they look spotless. They want to create and support the narrative that "You're crazy" and they'll try to get a reaction out of you anyway they can to prove their stories true.
What It Feels Like...
- It’s every argument twisted until you’re the villain.
- It’s waking up hopeful and going to bed questioning your sanity.
- It’s the calm after your truth lands... not because it changed them, but because they’re quietly planning their next move.
- It’s never clumsy. It’s calculated, precise.
How To Stop Taking the Bait
At first, it’s raw effort: pausing before you answer, noticing the heat rising in your chest, and letting it cool.
But, with patience and practice, over time:
- We stop hoping they’ll get better, and start expecting the worst, so we’re never blindsided.
- We build emotional detachment, like a slow-growing callus of indifference: protecting our softness without hardening our hearts.
- We learn emotional regulation isn’t for them; it’s for us. So even when they go off the deep end, we stay grounded.
- Their claim that “You’re the crazy one” falls flat when we don’t hand them any proof and they end up looking like the problem, because they actually are...
Ultimately, we just stop caring about what they do and don't take any of it personally. We know the game their playing and refuse to play along anymore.
It takes patience, time, and practice.
But eventually, it becomes second nature: a quiet, embodied strength.
How It Feels When It Works
At first, it feels empty, unnatural, almost cold. You likely don't treat other people this way, just them. It might go against your natural way of being, but it's for your protection.
- Slowly, that emptiness turns into peace.
- You see the bait dangle, and don’t even react.
- You stop writing speeches in your head.
- You stop needing to explain.
They don’t change.
YOU DO.
And that’s real power: calm, deliberate, and yours alone.
Journal Prompt
Think of a time you felt the hook from someone baiting you.
- What did it feel like in your body?
- What might it feel like to breathe, step back, and choose silence instead of reaction?
- How could choosing to calmly respond instead of reacting emotionally change the way you interact with this person?
No one wants to live with this kind of abuse, but in some situations, especially when there's a court-order in place, we have to find ways to navigate these things. We may be tethered to our abusers, but we don't have to continue to be victimized by them.
Wishing you wisdom and patience,
Gretchen
SOMATIC TRAUMA SPECIALIST + ENERGETIC INTUITIVE
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