We grow up believing that time softens sharp edges.

That a hotheaded young man will mellow out with age, that fatherhood or life’s hard lessons will humble a person who lives recklessly.

We hope, so desperately, that the people who’ve hurt us will finally see themselves clearly, say “I was wrong,” and eventually change course.



But some people don’t soften over time... some grow more calculating and deceptive.

• They don’t learn humility or accountability; they learn how to cover their tracks.
• They don’t find grace in aging; they sharpen their tools of manipulation.
• They don’t heal the wounds they caused; they learn to hide the evidence more carefully.

The sad truth — one I’ve watched unfold in my own life, and seen mirrored in countless client stories — is that certain kinds of abusers don’t stop hurting others as they get older, they actually learn how to do it better.

It’s unsettling to watch. Because while most of us hope to age into softness and wisdom, these people age into something altogether darker.

They grow their skills, not their souls.

If you’ve been there, you know the pattern:

• The childish need to always be right? Still there.
• The refusal to take responsibility? Stronger than ever.
• The quick temper? Maybe hidden better, but lurking.

But something else changes.

They get better at the game...

• They share less, because they’ve learned who will catch the lie.
• They spin stories to sound more believable, rewritten to evoke just the right sympathy.
• They gather new “flying monkeys” — their allies who truly believe they’re defending someone wounded and unfairly attacked.
• They refine the masks they show the world.

They might be incapable of real intimacy, real love, or real growth — but they become experts in plausible deniability and large-scale manipulation.

I've experienced it myself for years, hoping against hope that time, age, and experience would help them mature... but they only grew:

• More secretive, because they know how quickly I see through them.
• More convincing, because they've refined their narrative over the years.
• Better at recruiting others to do the dirty work they won’t do themselves.
• And strangely, worse at real relationships — but better at looking like they're the one who was wronged.

It’s a chilling transformation to witness.

Emotional immaturity frozen in place.

While manipulative cunning matures like a vintage that curdles, not sweetens.

We love to say, “People change.”

And they do — but not always in the ways that we hope.

Waiting for a person like this to “finally grow up” usually ends with more heartbreak, more betrayal, more pain. They do grow — but it’s a growth in strategy, not compassion.

What makes it even harder is that plenty of people in the world will buy into the story they’re selling, while you’re left holding the truth that no one else sees.

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