*This post is dedicated to mothers who are also survivors. I see the impossible positions you’ve been placed in. This is for you.

Today is Mother’s Day.

And while many mothers will be celebrated with flowers, cards, breakfast in bed, and social media posts honoring their love and sacrifice…

• There are other mothers quietly carrying a kind of pain that usually goes unseen.

Mothers sitting awake at night after difficult custody exchanges.

Mothers calming dysregulated children after weekends spent in environments that don’t feel emotionally safe.

Mothers documenting behavioral changes, concerning statements, missed medications, emotional meltdowns, neglected needs, and the subtle signs that something isn’t right.

Mothers replaying conversations with lawyers, therapists, teachers, judges, caseworkers, and family members in their minds, wondering if they explained things clearly enough.

• Wondering if anyone truly understands the weight they’re carrying.

Mothers trying to protect their children while being told:

• “Be cooperative.”
• “You need to co-parent better.”
• “Don’t make things harder than they need to be.”

As if all of it's just a catty disagreement between adults.

When, for mothers like this, it's something so much deeper.

There are mothers carrying enormous emotional weight while trying to create stability for their children inside of systems that don't always recognize harm when it appears quietly.

Because not all harm leaves visible bruises. Sometimes it looks like:

• A child becoming anxious before visitation.
• A sudden behavioral shift.
• Nightmares.
• Regression.
• Emotional shutdown.
• Aggression.
• Fear.
• Confusion.
• Hypervigilance.

Sometimes it looks like children trying to manage the emotional instability of the adults around them before they're even old enough to understand what’s happening.

• And the safe parent becomes the one trying to absorb the impact of it all...

The painful reality of these situations is that trauma doesn't always present well in courtrooms.

A mother who's spent years living in emotional abuse, manipulation, intimidation, gaslighting, or chronic stress may:

• cry easily
• feel angry
• struggle to organize thoughts clearly
• appear anxious
• freeze under pressure
• over-explain
• under-explain
  
• seem emotionally dysregulated

Meanwhile, the other parent may appear:

• calm
• composed
• charming
• rational
• emotionally detached
• and believable

Especially if they're not carrying the same emotional and logistical burdens.

And mothers walk away from these experiences feeling devastated because they told the truth... but don't feel like anyone really understood what's actually happening.

Another difficult unseen layer to these dynamics is:

The imbalance of labor.

The parent carrying the majority of the caregiving is often sacrificing:

• career opportunities
• financial growth
• rest
• sleep
• personal freedom
• social connection
• emotional bandwidth
• and sometimes even their physical health

Because children require enormous amounts of presence, labor, emotional regulation, and consistency.

Especially children who are struggling emotionally themselves.

Meanwhile, the other parent still retains access to the freedom that comes with reduced caregiving responsibility:

• more flexibility
• more time
• more opportunities to:
• earn money
• socialize
• date
• rest
• travel
• take on hobbies
• or build a public image

And yet, the very burdens created by this imbalance are later weaponized against the mother carrying it.

• “She should make more money.”
• “She’s overwhelmed.”
• “She’s struggling.”
• “She can’t handle things.”

Without acknowledging that she's carrying the invisible labor of holding her child’s entire emotional world together.

And one of the most frustrating misconceptions of all, is this idea that mothers in these situations “want to keep the children away” from the other parent.

But, in reality, most mother's don't want less support. They want more real support.

• They want safe, consistent, emotionally healthy participation in parenting.

Most mothers would gladly welcome:

• true co-parenting partnership
• shared labor
• accountability
• emotional maturity
• and reliable caregiving

What they're resisting isn't healthy fatherhood. They're resisting:

• instability
• neglect
• manipulation
• emotional harm
• coercion

...or the expectation that children should silently endure unsafe dynamics so they can keep up appearances.

That distinction matters deeply.

CONTENT NOTE: The following section discusses children being exposed to explicit sexual material and may be activating for some readers.

In my own life experience, my two children and the neighbor's daughter were visiting their dad for the weekend...

My daughter remembers borrowing her dad's phone to look for a photo she'd taken of herself earlier. He routinely allowed the kids to use his phone, so this didn't initially seem unsafe to them.

While scrolling through his photos and videos, the three kids unexpectedly discovered explicit sexual content involving their father and his girlfriend.

My children described seeing graphic photos, videos, and hearing explicit sexual dialogue that no child should ever be exposed to.

My daughter was 9 years old. The shock and confusion of what she saw stayed with her long after the visit ended.

• Eventually, she needed EMDR therapy to get over what she saw.

And when I confronted their father about what had happened…

• He minimized it.
• Attempted to brush it aside.
• Acted as though the emotional impact on the children was insignificant.
• Told our kids they weren't allowed to talk about it or tell his girlfriend.

That experience stayed with me deeply as a mother...

Not only because of what my children were exposed to, but because of the devastating reality of trying to advocate against harm that another parent refuses to even acknowledge.

And, let's be clear:

This post isn't about attacking fathers.

• There are many loving, emotionally healthy fathers in the world.

This post is about acknowledging the lived reality of mothers navigating harmful dynamics while trying to protect and stabilize their children inside of systems that don't always fully understand what trauma, coercion, emotional abuse, or post-separation abuse actually look like.

And for the mothers living this reality…

The exhaustion is enormous.

Because, even when no one else sees it, the safe parent is often the:

• emotional regulator
• comforter
• scheduler
• advocate
• witness
• protector
• nervous system anchor
• the safe place the child returns to when everything else feels confusing

That role carries weight.

Profound weight.

So today, on Mother’s Day, this is for the mothers carrying what no one else sees.

• For the mothers trying to hold themselves together while simultaneously holding their children together too.

• For the mothers questioning themselves because systems, families, courts, or communities made them feel “too emotional,” “too sensitive,” “too reactive,” or “too difficult” for simply recognizing harm.

• For the mothers who feel isolated in their grief because the world only sees snapshots, while they live the full reality every single day.

I hope you know this:

The love it takes to continue showing up for your child under these conditions is extraordinary.

• Your child experiences your safety.
• Your consistency.
• Your attunement.
• Your care.
• Your protection.

• Even when you feel exhausted.
• Even when you feel unseen.
• Even when you wonder if what you’re doing is enough.

It matters more than you know.

And while the world may not always fully understand the invisible labor you carry… there are others who see it. Who live it too.

• And who understand just how heavy, and how sacred, that love truly is. 💛

Wishing you peace and protection this Mother's Day,

Gretchen

SOMATIC TRAUMA SPECIALIST + ENERGETIC INTUITIVE

NOTE: This author would like to acknowledge that there are fathers that have similar experiences with the mothers of their children. This post doesn't intend to dismiss, minimize, or invalidate that truth. The above content is simply a Mother's Day post meant to validate the experiences of mothers. Thank you.