Let's talk about one of the most unnerving tactics abusers use: their sudden switch from cruelty to kindness, what I call the “bully-to-bestie” flip.

The “flip” can come out of nowhere and be so abrupt that it makes you question yourself, your instincts, and even your sense of reality. It’s so confusing that it can leave survivors feeling disoriented, wondering if they’re overreacting or just imagining things.

This real-life Jekyll and Hyde experience is one that survivors witness in real-time; sometimes in a matter of days or even just a few minutes. It traps survivors in a cycle of doubt, constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for the abuser's next turn.

I recently experienced this with my own abuser.

Just weeks earlier, he had sabotaged my family vacation with our children, intentionally stirring up stress and tension. Then, out of nowhere, he flipped, cracking jokes and calling me “silly,” acting like nothing had ever happened.

The most unsettling thing wasn't just his words, but the way that I couldn’t tell the difference between his “joke” and his real abuse...

And that uncertainty is exactly the point.

To keep you second-guessing and never knowing whether you're getting Jekyll or Hyde at any given moment.

Why They Flip So Fast

Switching between intimidation and friendliness keeps victims unsteady, doubting their own perceptions. When we start to relax, they remind us of the pain. When we begin to pull away, they turn on the charm.

It’s emotional whiplash. And worse, they usually expect us to “flip” just as quickly with them. As if we should laugh and joke with the same person who just finished tearing us down.

This makes survivors feel uncomfortable, crazy, or even guilty for not “going along” with the sudden shift.

But, it’s not you. It never was.

What It's Really About

There are a variety of factors that makes abusers act like this, including:



• Manipulation & Control
  The most common reason is manipulation. By suddenly being kind or playful, the abuser destabilizes their target. It keeps the victim second-guessing, holding onto hope that “maybe this time is different,” which makes it harder to walk away.

• A Bid for Connection
  Sometimes, the flip is an attempt to reel the victim back in. The abuser might be feeling lonely, insecure, or threatened by the victim’s independence. So they throw out friendliness or humor as a way of regaining closeness without ever addressing the harm they caused.

• Obliviousness to Harm
  Some abusers genuinely don’t recognize (or won’t acknowledge) the impact of their cruelty. They compartmentalize, acting as if the cruel words or actions never happened, and move straight into “bestie” mode. For them, this cycle feels normal, even though it leaves the victim reeling.

• Testing the Waters
  Flipping from cruel to kind is also a way to gauge how much control they still have. If the victim plays along, it confirms that the abuse hasn’t “broken” the relationship, giving the abuser a green light to continue.

• Avoiding Accountability
  Shifting quickly into friendliness can be a way to deflect blame. If they act like nothing happened, they don’t have to face difficult conversations, consequences, or apologies.
  
  

The Cost to Survivors

To someone outside the situation, it might look like the abuser is just “lightening up” or “trying to be nice.” But for the survivor, it’s unnerving.

The line between harm and humor gets blurred, and that confusion can keep you hooked in the cycle. Instead of feeling relief when the abuser is “nice,” you feel a deeper anxiety because you know how quickly it can turn again.

Why It Feels So Wrong

Healthy relationships have consistency, trust, and clarity. When someone who’s been tearing you down suddenly acts like your buddy, it doesn’t feel good, it feels like manipulation.

Survivors instinctively sense this, even if they can’t always put it into words. That gut-level discomfort is your body’s way of recognizing that something is off.

Reclaiming Your Power

Once you can spot this pattern, you don't have to play along with it anymore. Recognizing why an abuser flips the switch (whether it’s manipulation, insecurity, obliviousness, or to dodge accountability) helps you cut through the confusion.

Here are some ways to reclaim your ground:

• Name the Pattern: Simply telling yourself, “This is the switch, not a real change” can protect you from getting pulled back into the cycle.

• Anchor in Your Reality: Journal what happened, confide in a trusted friend, or even say it aloud: “I was hurt, and now they’re pretending it didn’t happen. Both are true.”

• Set Emotional Boundaries: You don’t have to accept their friendliness as an apology. You can choose distance, neutrality, or simply not engage.

• Focus on Your Healing: Their flip-flops are about them. Your steady growth, recovery, and peace are about you.

Your power lies in recognizing that the “bully to bestie” switch is not a reflection of your worth, but a reflection of their instability.

Once you see it clearly, you can step outside the chaos and begin writing a healthier story for yourself, one rooted in truth, self-respect, and freedom.

Yours in service and solidarity,

Gretchen

SOMATIC TRAUMA SPECIALIST + ENERGETIC INTUITIVE

Sarah McLachlan - Better Broken

Maybe if I catch my breath

Maybe if I wait a little

I’d remember how it hurts and stop before I fall

I’d forget to come apart

I’d catch myself and hold on tightly

Let memory wash over me, forgive but don’t forget

So you come back to me begging

“Why’d you leave? Tell me why, how you could you let this go?”

Let it be all it is

Small and still a memory like a stone

A jagged edge made smooth by time

Let it be all it is

Small and still and better left alone

Some things are better broken

Some things are better broken

Illusions come the venom stings

Swirling visions, soft and perfect

They blur all the edges ‘til everything looks fine

So I’ll pretend I didn’t cry and you pretend that you’re my savior

We both remember what we want - to get us through the night

So don’t come back to me begging

“Why’d you leave? Tell me why, how could you let this go?”

Let it be all it is

Small and still a memory like a stone

A jagged edge made smooth by time

Let it be all it is

Small and still and better left alone

Some things are better broken

Some things are better broken

Let it be all it is

Small and still a memory like a stone

A jagged edge made smooth by time

Let it be all it is

Small and still and better left alone

Some things are better broken

Some things are better broken

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