When someone is robbed at gunpoint, what advice do we give them?

• Give them your wallet.
• Don't fight.
• Don't be a hero.
• Your life is more important than your possessions.

When a cashier experiences a robbery, what do most companies teach their employees?

• Cooperate.
• Stay calm.
• Survive.

Nobody asks:

• Why didn't you fight back?
• Why didn't you tackle them?
• Why didn't you try harder to stop it?

Most people understand that when someone is facing violence or the threat of violence, survival becomes the priority.

And yet, when women experience sexual assault, domestic violence, or other forms of abuse, the questions suddenly change...

• Why didn't you scream?
• Why didn't you run?
• Why didn't you fight harder?
• Why did you stay?
• Why did you go back?

As if surviving somehow becomes evidence that they consented.

As if the body should know when to comply for survival and when to fight back, perfectly, under unimaginable circumstances.

The double standard isn't just confusing, it's deeply harmful.

And it ignores one of the most important truths about trauma:

• The nervous system doesn't respond according to social expectations.

It responds according to survival.

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Perfect Victim Mythology

Our culture imagines victims in a very specific way:

The "perfect victim" fights.

She screams.

She runs.

She reports immediately.

She remembers every detail.

She never speaks to her abuser again.

She never returns.

She cries in ways that make sense to other people.

She tells her story consistently and flawlessly.

She behaves exactly the way others imagine they would behave in the same situation.

The problem is that real human beings don't function this way.

Real survivors freeze.

They dissociate.

They appease.

They comply.

They forget details.

They laugh while telling painful stories.

They minimize what happened.

They stay.

They leave and return.

They spend years trying to make sense of experiences that overwhelmed their ability to process them in the moment.

• These responses are NOT evidence that someone wasn't harmed.

They're evidence that survivors are human.

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The Nervous System Doesn't Take Orders

For a long time, we only understood trauma through the lens of fight-or-flight.

But we now know that the nervous system has multiple survival responses.

• Fight.
• Flight.
• Freeze.
• Fawn.

And in some models, collapse or shutdown.

• These are not conscious decisions.

They are biological adaptations.

The body isn't asking:

• What will a jury think about this?
• What response will make people believe me later?
• What will society approve of?

The body asks one question:

• What gives me the greatest chance of surviving this moment?

And it responds accordingly.

Sometimes that means:

• fighting
• running
• becoming very still
• complying
• checking out mentally while the body is being harmed
• trying to keep the other person calm in hopes of reducing harm

None of these responses indicate consent.

None of them make someone responsible for what was done to them.

They're survival strategies.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

Impossible Standards Placed on Survivors

One of the most heartbreaking realities that I've witnessed over and over again is that, in most cases, survivors can't win.

If they freeze, people ask why they didn't fight.

If they comply, people question whether they wanted what happened.

If they stay in abusive relationships, people ask why they didn't leave.

If they leave and return, people wonder whether the abuse was really that bad.

• And if they DO fight back?

Sometimes they're judged for that, too.

The message becomes:

You should've defended yourself.

• But not too much.

You should've escaped.

• But not in a way that causes harm.

You should've survived.

• But only in ways that make other people comfortable.

These expectations place impossible burdens on people who are already experiencing incredible amounts of fear, danger, and physiological overwhelm.

Human beings in survival states don't have the luxury of carefully calculating the most socially acceptable response.

They're trying to stay alive.

Why Survivors Question Themselves

Some of the most painful questions that survivors carry are:

• Why didn't I fight harder?
• Why didn't I leave sooner?
• Why didn't I run?
• Why didn't I say no more clearly?

The tragedy is that these questions come from years of hearing society ask the very same things.

• Eventually, those voices become internalized.

But there's usually a better question worth asking.

Instead of:

• Why didn't I do more?

Ask:

• How did my body help me survive something no one should have had to endure?

That kind of questioning changes everything.

It shifts the focus away from blame and toward compassion.

Away from judgment and toward understanding.

Away from perfection and toward humanity.

Survival Is Not Consent

This is something every survivor deserves to hear:

• Compliance is not consent.
• Freezing is not consent.
• Appeasing someone to reduce danger is not consent.
• Returning to an abusive relationship is not consent.
• Delayed reporting is not consent.
• Forgetting details is not consent.

These are all experiences that can emerge when the nervous system is overwhelmed by fear, powerlessness, or danger.

The body prioritizes survival over resistance.

• That isn't weakness.

It's biology.

Compassion Could Look Like...

Imagine if we treated survivors the same way we treat other victims of violence.

Instead of asking:

• Why didn't you fight?

What if we asked:

• What did your body do to help you survive?

Instead of asking:

• Why didn't you leave?

What if we asked:

• What made leaving feel impossible or dangerous at that time?

Instead of asking:

• Why did you go back?

What if we asked:

• What needs, fears, pressures, or hopes kept you connected?

These questions don't remove accountability from the ones who cause harm.

They restore humanity to those who experienced it.

Because compassion begins when we stop expecting people to perform trauma in ways that make sense to us.

And start trusting that their nervous systems were doing the very best they could.

Surviving Isn't a Failure

In our culture, there's a belief that surviving quietly is somehow less courageous than fighting loudly.

But survival itself is an act of wisdom.

• The body doesn't care about social expectations.

It cares about staying alive.

And sometimes that means:

• fighting
• fleeing
• freezing
• fawning

None of these responses make someone weak.

None of them make someone responsible.

None of them mean they failed.

They just mean that, in an impossible moment, their body chose the path it believed offered the greatest chance of survival.

• And maybe that's the message more survivors need to hear:

You don't owe anyone the performance of a perfect victim.

You don't need to justify how your nervous system protected you.

You survived.

And that, in itself, is enough.

Wishing you compassion for every version of yourself that did what it needed to do to stay alive,

Gretchen

SOMATIC TRAUMA SPECIALIST + ENERGETIC INTUITIVE